on the brink of losing it

Oh Geeze Louis, where do I begin.  Yesterday evening I think I was on the brink of losing my mind.  This doesn't happen to me very often, but when it does, people have to duck and cover.  It's like I get so overwhelmed when something goes wrong or gets chaotic, that I can't even think straight.

Here is the summary of my day...

5:30 am - Brent left for work

6:30 am - Jackson wakes up.  He obviously didn't care about the time change and didn't think he needed any extra sleep.  I didn't mind too much though, because he will lay in bed and watch Yo Gabba Gabba now for at least 30 minutes after he gets up.  So we snuggled for a while and it was actually quite nice.

9:00 am - By this time we are both dressed and ready for church, but we have to go pick up my other to kiddos from their Aunt Kelsie's house, where they spent the night.  Jack and I stop and grab some donuts and then pick up the kids.

9:30 am - We arrive at church.  I am mad at myself for eating a dozen donut holes and then finding out that I just ate 624 calories, which is half of my daily intake right now.  Ugghhh!  Jackson doesn't cry when I drop him off at nursery, so that cheered me up a bit.

Church was good.  I had a little trouble focusing on the sermon today.  I signed up for VBS to teach Kindergarten and I am really extra excited about it this year.

11:45 - We leave church and head to Taco Bell.  I only ate a soft taco and half a cheesy potato.  This made up for my gorging on donuts.  At this point I had 395 calories left for supper.  It's not a lot, but it's doable.

12:45 - Back home and put Jack down for nap.  It was sort of dark and drizzly outside, so he fell right to sleep.

I did some laundry and then did my Jillian Michaels 20 minute workout DVD, to help counteract the donuts and Taco Bell.

I did the workout on Friday night too, and I am still so sore from it that I almost feel sick.  That is pretty pathetic.

I did some more laundry after the workout and made a list for Sams and Target.  After Jack woke up I was planning on braving the stores with my three kids to get some things we need.

2:45 - I was talking to Abigail and remember we needed to clean her ear piercing, because it had been bothering her all week.  We had been very diligent about using peroxide and antibiotic cream all week and this is how it looked on Sunday. It was gradually getting worse and not better.

After talking to Mom and us both googling some scary things about staph infections, I decided to forgo our original plans and take Abigail to urgent care.

4:00- I dropped the boys off at Mom's then arrived at urgent care.  They weren't busy.  We got in and out quickly, with two prescriptions for an oral antibiotic and a cream.

5:00 - I pick up the boys and head to walmart, where the pharmacy was closing in an hour.  I decided since I was there I would go ahead and do a little shopping.  I dropped the prescriptions off first, but there were some problems so we ended up standing at the window of the pharmacy for 20 minutes.

Jackson was losing patience and trying to break out of the buckle in the buggy. My other two kids were getting antsy were starting to fight and knock things over.  They are normally very good at the store, but that's when we are continually moving and shopping, not standing still.

On top of all that Walmart was super busy.  We finally get to leave the pharmacy, but the kids are hungry so we head over to the McDonald's that is inside the walmart.  It is pretty busy, but not to bad.

I take Jack out of the buggy because we have to park the buggy and leave it outside the McDonald's. I put him down next to me and he takes off and starts to push every one's buggies out of the buggy parking area and then he's knocking over the wet floor signs.

I pick him up and he starts screaming.  Everyone in line is looking at us now.  I somehow order our food, but the card reader messes up and takes forever to read my debit card.

At this point I am pretty frazzled and sweating.  We go sit down and wait for our food.  Of course they don't have any highchairs, so I put Jack next to me in the booth.  He wants my drink.  He loves drinking out of cups with straws, but if you don't keep a close watch on him, he will end up tipping it up like a sippy cup and spilling it all down his shirt.

All the while, Austin is constantly trying to talk to me.  He is at the stage where every other sentence out of his mouth is "Hey Mom, watch this or Hey Mom look!" and he won't stop until I respond in someway.

Abigail is constantly trying to boss Austin around and keeps tattling on him that he is licking the wall or something.  I finally tell her I don't care.  At this point I don't care if he is licking the floor as long as he isn't talking to me.  

Of course, our food takes forever and they are out of ice.  I forget all about my 395 calories left for the day and end up eating so much chicken and french fries that it makes my stomach hurt.  I am a stress eater and obviously at this point I am pretty stressed and food is making me feel better.

Jackson is breaking his fries into tiny pieces and throwing them all over the floor and tries multiple times to run back over to the buggy area.

We finish eating, and I have to pick up a few items.  I really want to just go home and leave the kids behind. (I would never do that)

I grab a few things and get in a long line to check out.  Austin and Abigail both ask to buy every little thing they see and pout when they can't get it.  I finally get up to the check out lady and she is holding some items and says "Do you mind if I run and bring these items to the return area.  It won't be but a minute?"

I almost laugh at her.  I kept a smile on my face and said "Sure, no problem!"

I wanted to say "Really, do you see me struggling with my three crazy kids!!  We are at the end of our sanity here lady!!  Can you please just check us out real quick so we can get out of this place before I lose my mind!!!

But I didn't and she was gone.  Jackson starts crying while we wait because Austin is messing with him and then Jack kicks Austin in the head.

Now Austin is crying! "Jackson just kicked me in the head!!"

I respond with "To bad, you shouldn't stand in front of him where he can kick you. Stop crying!"

I know right, Mother of the Year!

We finally check out and head to the car.  It's raining and cold.

6:30 - We get home and Brent is waiting.  I tell him I'm on the verge a break down and to be careful.  He is silent.  He is a smart guy!

Jackson is grumpy and impossible to please for the rest of the evening.  He won't let Brent do anything for him.  I continue to have a scowl on my face and close cabinet doors just a little harder than necessary. The rest of the night  everyone walks on eggshells around me.  Somewhere down deep in my mind I know I'm being stupid.  I want to stop, but I just can't get out of my funk.

7:45 - Yay for bedtime.  Jackson usually goes right to sleep, but tonight he cries for 30 minutes, which just was almost the last straw!!

8:30 - All kids are in bed and silent.  I start venting out all my frustrations on Brent and he quietly listens.  He knows he can't say anything that will really help.  I just need him to listen and then I slowly start coming back to sanity.

I hate days like this.  Not because of the chaos, but because of how I handle them.  I don't want to be the freak out mom when things go wrong.  I know how blessed I am.  I have a great life and on days like this I look back and feel like I just threw that all back up in God's face, like I don't appreciate what He's given me.

 I started reading a book called Unglued a while back.  It's about this very thing, coming unglued and losing your cool.  I think I need to keep reading.

Well good for you if you read all of this!!  I know it's a lot and most people won't read it all, but it was actually therapeutic to type it all out and dissect it.

I'm hoping for less days like this after quitting my job, but regardless the way I react to things is something I've been working on and will need to continue working on!

Here's hoping for a better week!!