Two years ago today I found out that my third baby's heart had stopped beating.
I'll never forget that day.
I dropped Abigail and Austin off at my Mom's house so that I could go to my twelve week check-up. I was really excited for this day. I had planned on leaving the doctors office after my appointment to go shopping for some cute, new maternity clothes, which is always fun.
I had pretty much decided to go to all my appointments by myself this time around. This was my third baby after all. I was an old pro.
I drove to the doctors office thinking about where I would go shopping after the appointment, and where I would eat lunch, and maybe I would even pick up something for our new precious baby that was due on December 28th, our Christmas baby.
We hadn't planned on having a third baby and our timing wasn't perfect, but we were so happy and we were trusting Gods plans for us.
At the doctor's office it seemed like I didn't have to wait as long usual. I peed in a cup, the nurse weighed me (I was gaining too much weight as usual but nothing to be concerned with) she took my blood pressure, and put me in a room to wait on my doctor.
I remember thinking how weird it was that I was put in a room I had never been in before. After having two babies already with this same doctor and having probably 30 visits while pregnant I had never been in this room.
I brought a book with me for a change, so I took it out and tried to get into it. It was really different. I can't remember the title, but it was a strange book.
My doctor finally came in ready to listen to the baby. She pulled out her little device, she put the gooey stuff on it, and pressed it to my stomach. She moved it around here and there. She said she thought she almost had it. She told me she thought the placenta must be in the front so we would need to go use the ultrasound and take a look.
I had to wait in the room for a few minutes by myself while she finished up with the patient that was already in the ultrasound room.
I don't know why but I knew something wasn't right. It's like God spoke to me and told me to prepare myself. So right then and there I prayed and asked God to help me through this and be with me. It's funny thinking back that I prayed that specifically instead of asking for everything to just be alright. In a way it was like God was the one to tell me that my baby was gone and I am so grateful for that.
The doctor returned and we went into the room with the ultrasound. She was still acting like all would be fine, but my heart was beating loud in my ears. She pulled up the picture of my uterus on the screen and she immediately knew. She told me the baby's heart beat had stopped.
I think I forgot to mention that we had heard the heartbeat at 9 weeks and it was a little bit high, but still within normal range.
According to the measurements the baby had stopped growing at 10 weeks 5 days. The doctor probably thought I was cold and unfeeling because I didn't show any emotion at first. I was just pretty much in shock.
I don't remember much of what she said after that. We scheduled another ultrasound at the hospital just to be sure but I knew the baby was gone.
I didn't cry until I walked out of the office on the way to my car. I called Brent, who was teaching summer school and told him over the phone so he could leave work. I drove back to my parents house. I called my mom and told her to meet me in the driveway. I didn't want to tell her in front of the kids. She was shocked and we cried together in the driveway.
After I collected myself we went into the house. Abigail wanted to fix my hair, so I sat on the floor while my four year old fixed my hair and we watched cartoons.
I had to be strong for my babies. I didn't want to cry in front of them. They were so little and I knew it would just make them nervous.
When Brent arrived at my parents we went into the other room and I cried a little, but not a lot. I hate crying. I'm always the strong one.
Brent later told me that the only way he made it through this whole thing was because of how strong I acted. He said if I had been a blubbery mess, he would have lost it himself. This made me happy.
Brent and I went to the confirmation ultrasound and then back to our Doctor to discuss the D&C. I needed this procedure, because my body was not showing any symptoms of a miscarriage. I had no bleeding or cramping. I wanted the procedure. I wanted this nightmare to be over.
I LOVED that baby with all I had. I heard that babies heart beat and saw it's little stubby limbs moving at 9 weeks. I never met her, but she was mine.
I'm pretty sure it was girl. That's just what I think, there was no way to know at that point.
We schedule the procedure for the next morning. It went as smooth as possible and in a matter of a few hours I went from being pregnant to not being pregnant. It was the worst time of my life.
I remember telling my mom that before this happened, if someone had asked me what the worst thing that had ever happened in my life would be, I don't think I would have had an answer. I have lived an extremely blessed life.
I COULD NOT have gotten through this without my God. He was with me every step of the way. I felt him especially during those times when I was alone, sitting in the waiting room, driving home after, waiting in the pre-op room.
I KNOW that he has plans for me and my life that are beyond my comprehension.
I KNOW that my simple mind could never understand His ways.
My husband and my mother were my steady rocks through this time. But what I remember comforting me so much was my children. The first thing I wanted to do after the procedure was go home and hold my babies. I don't know how women get through miscarriages and go home to an empty house. My heart breaks for them.
Austin was asleep when Brent's mom brought him home, so I held my 2 year old boy in my arms while he slept. It was so peaceful.
It took me a little over a week to start feeling like myself again. I wasn't over it, or done grieving my loss, but I was starting to heal.
In December, I became pregnant again and it was not the same as my other pregnancy. I was nervous all the time. Every appointment felt like returning to the scene of the crime. The same rooms where I found out my baby was gone, made my hands shake, and my heart beat in my ears. I made my husband or mother go with me to EVERY SINGLE appointment.
In August we welcomed our precious baby Jackson into our family. I still often think about that baby and how old she would be. When I see pictures of my cousin's little boy I think about how the baby I lost was due a month after him and would be about that size now. It still makes me sad to think about, but at the same time I know that if I hadn't lost that baby, then Jackson would not have been born and I can't imagine my life without that precious little face.
God knows what he's doing and I trust in Him.
I hardly ever talk about this time in my life. I sometimes I feel guilty that I don't, but I think about that baby all the time. I have this little tiny baby foot charm on a green ribbon hanging in my car. The counselor at the hospital gave it to me. Immediately when leaving the hospital I stuck it on my rear view mirror and it will stay there forever. I see it everyday and it reminds me of how blessed I am and how BIG God is.
Someday I'll meet my baby, but for now I'm going to live life the best I can as a tribute to that little life that never got a chance.
Well if you stuck with me through all that I gotta give you some props. So when you're going through tough times, lean on God and trust that His plan is way better than yours.
